Original Post Date: January 24, 2018, Lagos, Portgual

“Shhhh! She is traveling between worlds right now. You can see her holding the tension of not knowing – she is simply breathing into her unanswered questions. Sometimes she drinks her coffee with quaking hands, not knowing where her relationship or her bank account is going. 

But this time, she is holding onto the tension of not knowing, and is not willing to hit the panic button.

She is unlearning thousands of years of conditioning. She is not being split between the opposing forces of fight and flight. She is neither naive nor ignorant. 

She is a frontier woman, paving new roads & making new choices. She is willing to make a new transcendent possibility emerge. 

You may see her now ~ standing at thresholds, or at crossroads ~ breathing into her body ~ intently listening for inner signals. She’s learning new navigation skills as she arrives at a most magical moment of her life.” – Sukvinder Sircar

Crossroads & Pathways

I read the above quotation and it stirred something inside of me. It is very much how I feel and have been feeling these past 4 months, and even more so now on my journey. 

Unlearning thousands of years of conditioning, not being split between fight or flight or freeze. Standing fully present, in surrender, at the crossroads, breathing deeply and listening for signals, and sometimes stepping onto and trusting that the path will appear as the steps are taken.

For me, this is what release and healing are all about – releasing the illusion of control, surrendering to what is unfolding and coming next, staying present in each moment (even when my hands, my heart, and my whole being are shaking), feeling what comes up, and trusting that it is the right place, the right path, and the right everything.

Two thoughts occurred to me after my last post on Bravery & Grief….one important clarification that I want to provide. I do not think healing is self-indulgent, I think it is essential. 

The only thing that might be indulgent, is my approach. 

I absolutely think healing is one of the greatest tasks to which we can apply ourselves – and in fact, I think it is where we should spend more of our energy. 

My untended wounds have prevented me from being vulnerable and being able to connect. They have encouraged me to wear masks and strive for perfection and control, constantly trying to be the best ‘wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend’, so much that I lost myself in the process. 

It is through being vulnerable, sharing my story, learning to be me, with no filter and no masks, that I have been able to truly connect with others and most importantly with myself.

I commented to my therapist a few weeks ago, that I had been frustrated with my lack of ‘productivity’ over the past few months. I was judging myself for having been distracted by my feelings, needing to stop and take time each day to grieve, talk, vent, cry, think, or just sit outside and ‘be’. And she asked me ‘why do you think those tasks are any less important than the other tasks?’ And it caused me to stop and consider my judgement about it all.

Why shouldn’t all tasks have equal weight? 

And in truth, when I measured the productivity of my days, including the heart tasks (grieving & healing) – my days were off the chart productive. It was an interesting observation. 

Culturally, we do not seem to value a healthy heart or mind as much as a healthy wallet. We do not seem to measure success or productivity by an inclusive list of elements (spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical). 

So I wanted to clarify my perspectives on this – as I feel, unequivocally, that Heart work and Healing is some of our most important work possible.

The second thought is a heartfelt shout-out of gratitude, I did not get through the past 4 months alone. I am fortunate to have an incredible group of loved ones, who were the tide that lifted me up, and helped me stay afloat during the past few months. They were people, that when I reached out and asked for help, they answered that call – sometimes every day or multiple times a day. 

And many of our relationships deepened as a result of the sharing that took place – each of us giving/receiving from the heartfelt and vulnerable conversations. And it is interesting to note, while my grief has been centered around the change/loss of one particular relationship, my gratitude is for the change/gain of so many relationships. 

So thank you to my SSU Sisters (MM, LN, HG, AS) and my Phone Tree of loved ones (SA, CS, RS, SS, DE, TE, MM, JM). You are the gold that filled the cracks in my heart and helped me feel more whole again, and I love you each more than I can express.

Additionally – there were friends during this time that became deeper friends, again because of the connection that came from being vulnerable together. 

I am grateful to each of you as well (PW, CK, DC, GB, KH, RM). 

And there are equally as many folks who would have been there if I’d called (my EY PPP sisters, RA, JP, ED, my Annie Sisters). I am so lucky in love. I carry all of you in my heart daily.

Funny side note: after letting me chat/vent for 30 minutes or so, one friend said ‘well I think you are doing really well – you only call me every few days’. 

To which I replied, ‘well yeh, I use different people all the time so no one knows how much of a mess I am or has to bear the burden too often’. 

Looking at the long list of initials – ha, ha, ha. Indeed. Apparently – it takes a village. 

Lastly, a friend asked me the other day ‘Are you having the most fun of your life?’….and it is an interesting question. 

I am having the most memorable time. 

There are moments of joy, of insight, of wonder and beauty, of grief, of solitude, of deep sadness, of longing, of intense healing, of release, of discovery, of peace, and of intense unending gratitude. 

It is all those things, simultaneously, layer upon layer, and it is incredible and moving – soul stirring and heart changing. I feel as if I am transforming from the inside out. 

No, it is not always fun, but like the quotation above says, it is indeed Magical.