Original Post Date: January 13, 2018, Lisbon, Portugal

Yesterday was a weird day; I felt oddly fatigued all day. 

In thinking about it further, perhaps it was the residual fatigue from the 20,000 step day on Thursday, perhaps travel fatigue/stress (navigating to a new city), or perhaps a detox holdover from the evening before (all those Port tastings). 

Suffice it to say, I felt a bit off all day yesterday. 

I’ve also considered it could be the influence of the energy of so many people concentrated in one space now that I am in Lisbon (large cities tend to wear me out). Whatever the causes/influences, perhaps all or none, I ended up resting most of yesterday once I reached Lisbon.

Odd that I realize I am trying to explain/justify my need to rest. 

Why can’t I just say ‘I was tired, so I rested’ and let that be the end of it? Instead I feel all this guilt. 

My friend Karen told me ‘Guilt is only something you should feel if you’ve done something wrong.’ 

Hmmm – so was it wrong to rest? Why does the voice in my head say yes? 

It says I should (bad word) have been more productive, more adventurous, explored more…that I should be maximizing my time abroad, on this trip, soaking up every moment, seeing everything that I can possibly see, doing all I can do…blah, blah, blah. 

That voice is so annoying, why do I pay it any attention?

I have been tired the past few days, sleeping 8-10 hrs a night compared to my normal 7 or so hours. 

Perhaps the last 3 months of stress/strain are working their way out of my system – slowly day by day with each meal, long walk, night’s rest, or good cleansing cry. 

Note: writing that caused my eyes to fill up with tears. The sadness over my divorce just wells up when I least expect it to sometimes. I guess if I honestly take stock of yesterday, I was deep down sad all day long. But I didn’t want to deal with, address or own the sadness. I was trying to avoid it. As a result of that avoidance I felt off, restless and stuck most of the day. Huh.

• After lunch, I went to my room – only to feel restless and unable to settle

• Went out for a walk – met a nice young man from Porto in the square, had coffee, but felt distracted and couldn’t really engage well in the conversation (only speaking in a mix of Italian/Portugese was also a contributing factor to the limited engagement)

• Back to hotel to rest – restless in hotel room again

• Down to lobby – relaxed/escaped with a glass of wine, spent several pleasant hours in the lobby, people watching, editing my photos and avoiding my sadness further

• Up to bed – started to read, distracted, gave up and went to sleep

Not until journaling this morning and identifying the root of my distraction (feeling sad and worn out) did the feelings start to shift and transition. Sitting at breakfast, writing in my journal, with tears streaming down my face it hit me – oh, duh, that’s right, I’m supposed to let myself feel the feels. Lol – sometimes I am a slow learner. 

Part of the challenge is I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t want my feelings of loss to interfere with the wonder/magic of this new adventure. 

I want to focus on the silver lining and sit in the happy space of new possibilities and new adventures. 

I don’t want to sit with the feelings of loneliness, sadness, loss and hurt. 

I don’t want to admit to feeling awkward at traveling alone, seeing all the couples around me, and knowing I am 40, single and starting over. 

I don’t want to admit to how much that makes me sad. But the tears streaming down my face tell me I need to sit with it and own it.

Insight: Surrendering to what is unfolding doesn’t mean I need to be happy about it all. Trusting that it is for the best outcome is not the same as enjoying every minute of it. I can surrender to the emotions/feelings/intensity/sadness/hurt/frustration. This is something I’ve never really given myself permission to do previously. New adventures, new approaches.

New beginnings: I’m going to own every step of the journey, even if I don’t know where I’m going, how I’ll get there or what awaits me. I can own this step and the next step and every aspect of each step along the way – the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and outcomes.

Insight: Surrendering and allowing the path to unfold causes me to slow down (since I am unsure of the steps, I am moving more deliberately) and as a result I am able to be more fully present and savor each moment more. Nice. 

The past few months this has been one of my favorite quotations. Yesterday/Today, I guess I lived it. Normally it intellectually resonates, this morning I was feeling it fully. Enjoy!

“This is the nature of unhealed material – it is alive. And one way or the other. It will manifest itself in your lived experience. It will language your inner narrative. It will obstruct your path and limit your possibilities. It lives everywhere that you live. And so you have to decide – excavate it and bring it into consciousness where it can be worked through and integrated, or repress it and watch it rule your life. It’s one of the hardest truths we have to face: If we don’t deal with our stuff, it deals with us. There is no way around this. Choose.” – Jeff Brown, Spiritual Graffiti