Original Post Date: February 10, 2018, Valetta, Malta

So I was taking some time to sit and reflect today. It was a rainy day – and in Malta, rain is not fun. It makes the cobblestone streets, which are already slick on a dry day, even slipperier. 

I could have gone to some museums, it was what I had planned to do, but instead, I took some quiet time for myself.

Tomorrow is the official midway point on this journey. 

It will be day 33 of 66 days of travel, learning, growth, insight…..notice how all those words are about transformation and change…..but what about fun, laughter, savoring….just being. Yeh, I’ve been struggling with that. 

Not in the sense of doing those things – daily, I definitely have fun, laugh, savor the food, the sights, the smells, the views, I’m certainly soaking it all up. 

But I’ve been struggling a bit with trying to balance the experiencing/savoring with the documenting and sharing.

If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, you will have noticed that the past 2+ weeks, I’ve been behind in my posts. 

Yup – I’ve encountered tons of resistance and gotten behind with making the updates. 

Every day I wake up, roll over, and ask myself ‘Are we going to catch up today?’…and every day that voice inside says ‘I don’t wanna do it!’. 

Whereas another voice says ‘But you really need to, the longer you wait, the more behind you’ll get!’ 

But deep down, I have been resisting…and I am stubborn.

So I finally took some time to examine – ‘What is at the root of the resistance?’…..and I figured it out. 

This trip is supposed to be about my healing and growth…and taking time for myself….to have time for creativity, to explore my dreams, to just be me, after a really rough few years, and see if I can figure out who me is anymore…or at least rediscover me, separate from expectations of anyone else. 

But then, I didn’t feel like those activities/goals were sufficient…so I felt compelled to wrap those needs in a book idea, a travel blog, a photo exploration site….and those are all things I might want to explore eventually, and so I thought, ‘Well why not be efficient and tackle them now and justify this experience – making it productive, rather than indulgent.’ 

Geesh – I’m still in prison to this notion that I must be productive.

So instead of facing that head on and owning it, I’ve been dragging my heels and avoiding updating things. 

I keep hearing from everyone ‘wow, this is great, I love your posts, I love living vicariously through you!’…and that is so flattering, don’t get me wrong….but it is also a TON of pressure. I joked with a few people that I must be living 15-20 lives right now….

And I’m right back at square one shouldering obligations and expectations of other people – even if the expectations are super loose (you don’t care where I’m going, what I’m doing, you are just having fun seeing the results of it)….but for me, I am right back where I started, more focused on what everyone else wants/needs, and neglecting part of the purpose of the trip – which is just BEING me.

So I am sharing my intentions. 

I am owning my feelings on this – at least for the next little while. I am taking the next three days, off the grid so to speak, no posts, no updates, just taking time along the shore, in solitude, to BE, to reflect, to laugh, to play, to be accountable only to me, and not worry about connecting with, updating or posting for anyone else. 

And then after that, we’ll see. 

I do plan to catch up my updates at some point – I want to record my experiences….and I may resume that next week, or the week after, or when I’m back in the States. 

But right now, I need to BE, for me. 

It is one of the greatest things I’ve needed to learn – how to tune into my needs, how to voice what I need, how to create the space for what I need, how to manifest and make a reality of what I need, how to not apologize for what I need. 

And so, I’m starting now. Woop-woop – Progress Baby!

I am a glorious, messy, work in progress and I love that you are on this journey with me, right now I need to focus on the journey and being in each moment without the self inflicted expectations of broader productivity. 

Rest and relaxation are worthwhile and useful activities. Full stop.

I was struggling with that a bit – ‘How can I possibly justify the need to rest, I’ve been on vacation for 32 days, why on earth do I need to rest? That is crazy, but the truth is that just like a dang caterpillar, I am transforming and all those changes are exhausting.

I’m resting and integrating all the emotional insights from being by myself.

Have you ever spent 32 days by yourself, with no one else around? Just sort of hanging out with yourself, with your thoughts, not really talking or interacting too often with other people.

It is fascinating – I’ve learned so much about myself. I’m re-examining ideas and things that I thought of as truths and looking at them in new ways. Wow – so interesting and fascinating, but it also takes a ton of energy.

My body is going through all kinds of changes – I lived a very sedentary, office-oriented life for the past 18 years, and for the past 32 days, I’ve averaged walking 5-6 miles a day instead. That is a huge change and my muscles are feeling it! 

I’ve been sleeping close to 8-10 hours each day as well – I think slowly releasing all the tension that had accumulated over the past few years. It takes time and energy to let that stuff go! Wowsa!

Deciding what to do every day is exhausting. I was thinking about this the other week. In normal, every day life, we have so many patterns/habits that are the norms or our every day life. And as a result there are tons of decisions each day that are made out of routine, habit, familiarity….like what to eat, what to wear, how to get from point A to point B.

And while my trip might seem like vacation…..traveling to new places every few days is intense and tiring. Every single day I must be extremely mindful in order to figure out where I’m going, how I’m going to get there, what language I’m going to speak, what I’m going to eat, where I’m going to eat, what I’m going to do.

It is exhilarating but also tiring at the same time.

So now it is time for some rest, for some integration, and to learn to BE. Thank you for journeying with me!